Betrayal

How do you cope when the betrayal wasn’t intentional? When you never meant to harm anybody? When you are the one who betrayed the person closest to you, your best friend, your sister? We all make mistakes, sure, but are there some that can’t be overlooked or forgiven?

Who makes the ultimate call whether or not an action will hurt another, if they have any right to the pain? I never meant to hurt anybody, but the act still happened. It is solidified in the past, where it will live for all eternity. Moving on is an option, but forgetting is not one yet. You can never go back and I am fully aware of this, but didn’t or couldn’t comprehend that the consequences would be so far reaching. That my actions would affect so many. 

I am always so aware of how people are feeling, careful that not to step on anybody’s toes, even putting myself last if that means happiness for the greater good. But one night has changed everything. Is it a single act that defines us or repeated behaviors? When do we call someone a horrible person: when the mistake they made was so great it can be considered horrible? I must face the consequences of my actions and deal with the repercussions. This I will fully accept, but I cannot even laugh for feeling like I should be dragging an enormous weight. I want to run, to hide, to never return, but I know this is cowardice. I must stand tall and accept the coping of those I love most. 

I hope one day they will understand that I did not do this TO any one person. It was something that happened and doesn’t reflect on them, but upon me. Upon my character. It is our own notions of ourselves that matter most, I think, but do others see us more clearly? I do not think I am a bad person, only one who did something bad. But, the truth, much like right and wrong, is subjective. It depends who you ask. So, I will leave the testament to my character to nobody. I will simply say, I am. Human. Soul. Love. Light. Mistakes. Truth. Beauty. Pure. 

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