Why The Fuck Are Insecurities So Loud?

Some days it feels like I may be doing alright; that I have successfully trained my mind to focus on the most beautiful things. Then, comes the invariable swing of the pendulum in the opposite direction. This side screams that I am worthless, that I have no right to expect anything beautiful, that I will never be more than I am now. What makes that voice so loud? Louder even than the words of those I love telling me that I am worthy, and strong, and brave, and fucking capable. 

Does it have to do with the instinct for survival? Is it years of learned self hatred? Is it a mentality of victimhood? A way for me to lay the culpability at the feet of another, some grand and unknowable force?

I don’t have the answers to these questions just yet. Or, maybe, I do. Maybe it is ‘yes’ to all of the above. Maybe that’s the first step for me. Acknowledging that sometimes I let my thoughts run rampant, like my dog off a leash: sometimes he comes back, but mostly he just wants to chase butterflies.

I am still learning. Michelangelo said that, and it is as true for me as it was for him. I am not perfect. I will make mistakes. I will hurt people that I love. I will veer off course. I guess what makes me strong, brave, and fucking capable is that I am willing to admit that. Regardless of what goes on around me, I am still me. A human. A spirit. Full of inherent value and worth. A beacon of love and light. 

I guess that’s the lesson, then: to carry on. Onward and upward. 

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Get Your Sh*t Together

This is a love letter of sorts. To all of the people who had to figure it out on their own, who didn’t have anybody pushing them to work harder, who had to be their own support system. Let me be that person for you. Let me be the one to tell you it’s time. It’s time to take responsibility, to make positive and productive changes, to get your shit together.

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